“Assimilate at your own risk.” My friend and colleague (frolleague?) Craddock Stropes was featured in a recent magazine publication with an article on Wisdom for the Next Generation of Leaders: Advice for women entering the workforce. One of the pieces of advice she shared was to assimilate at your own risk and not confuse assimilation with belonging. Here are her powerful words that have continued to inspire me:

“Assimilate at your own risk. Conventional career advice tells women to avoid “softening” their language, be more assertive or direct, and act more confident. But what if none of those things feel authentic to you? As a daughter of Vietnamese refugees, I was encouraged at an early age to assimilate to the dominant culture; to blend in so that others would believe that I belong. Years later working in largely male dominated areas, I found that teams were more willing to trust my leadership and work hard to deliver results when I was simply being myself – unabashedly and without apology. Don’t confuse assimilation with belonging. True leaders accept themselves and others for who they are, period.” – Craddock Stropes

Pow! Right in the feels for me. As someone who has spent a career (maybe a lifetime?) hearing things like, “You’re just a bit too much. Could you tone it down? Maybe laugh a little quieter? Wait and see before you try to speak up,” and also literally having people pick up their things and move away from me so they didn’t have to sit by me at a table when I was starting new leadership positions, I know the temptation to shrink or blend in is real. I had a favored coaching client once tell me, “It feels like I have to shave off pieces of myself to fit into this tiny mold that I’m allowed to be at work.” 

That’s a tough place to be, and to Craddock’s point, it rarely works in the long run. Just because it’s become conventional advice doesn’t make it GOOD advice. Using your brain alongside your heart will help your authenticity lead the way, and that’s where you’ll create the impact you want to have. 

If this sounds impossible or feels hard, start small. Here are 4 ways to start letting your authenticity lead the way: 

1. Dress in a way that reflects who you are. Sure, it needs to be workplace-appropriate and reflect the desired dress norms, but make sure it also reflects you. I started by ditching the high heels and switching to flat shoes so I was more comfortable and could get around faster.
   
2. Break your own habits of auto-responses. Even if your eventual answer and your initial instinct align, taking a brief pause to consider your own intuition and desire before responding will help you start to sync up a bit better. This is how I broke my habit of automatically saying yes to every request.
   
3. Carefully curate your social interactions. Be intentional about who you spend your time with and what you spend your time doing while you’re with them. This might be a small shift in the conversation by bringing a thought-provoking question or switching topics when gossip starts, or it might require saying fewer yeses to social invitations. It sounds nerdy, but I’m a big fan of bringing 3 “agenda items” to social interactions so I can offer ways to connect more deeply.
   
4. Practice with free time. I once had a coach assign me an exercise of booking two hours of unscheduled time, and I wasn’t allowed to pre-decide what I wanted to do with it. I had such a productivity addiction that it had become a default that I filled extra time with more to-do items, and I was forgetting what brought me joy. I was driven by the almighty task list rather than what authentically felt good to me. Schedule some time for yourself, even if it’s just 30 minutes, don’t decide ahead of time what to do with it, and let your heart lead when you get there. I failed miserably the first three times I tried this! I couldn’t decide what to do and wasted more time trying to figure it out than I had actually set aside. Over time, however, I created a better awareness of, “Ooh, this would be fun right now!” and that helped me tap into more of what I wanted to do rather than what I felt I should do. 

Remember, every time you receive a piece of advice, you don’t have to live by it. Align with your authenticity, and I guarantee that will bring you more satisfaction and help you build a bigger impact than following any “should” or someone else’s idea of what you need to do.