In a leadership workshop I offered recently, we tackled the topic of what can go sideways when it comes to communication. Connections get derailed rapidly when we tell stories about the other person and apply meaning where it doesn’t belong. The challenge is that this happens almost instantaneously in pretty much every interaction! Don’t believe me? Think of the last time someone cut you off in traffic. What was the first thing that went through your head? I’m guessing it’s a similar version to mine which usually goes something like, “Wow, they’re an ________!” (fill in the blank with your favorite adjective)
That’s a story. And it’s one that leads me into some very specific judgments, feelings, and reactions. I didn’t follow the person to their destination and ask them what their bad traffic move was all about. Nope, I told a story. This happens in communication all the time. We observe something or perceive an action, we immediately tell a story about what we perceive and what it means, that story generates a judgment, the judgment generates a feeling, and we eventually react. In that case, I might tell my story of them being an _________, which leads me to the judgment, “They shouldn’t have done that!” When I’m thinking “They shouldn’t have done that!” it leads to a feeling, which in my case is usually frustration or anger. If it leads to frustration, I might grit my teeth and emit an annoyed sound. If it generates anger, it’s entirely possible I’ll throw both hands up in the “Can’t you see I’m driving here?” gesture. If it really gets me upset, it’s possible that narrows down from two hands to one single expressive finger. (Unfortunately, I don’t mean my thumb, either)
On the flip side, if I tell the story, “Oh, no, they probably have diarrhea!” it leads to a completely different outcome.
The diarrhea story would probably lead me to a judgment more based in sympathy – “Oh, that’s a tough situation…” That sympathetic judgment is more likely to generate a feeling of understanding or even connection with the person in that experience. And based on that judgment and sympathetic understanding, my reaction is completely different. I might give a friendly wave and tap the brakes to give them extra room, or I might send out a positive thought for them in the universe that they make it to a bathroom on time.
In either case, I don’t really know the truth. Both are stories, and both could be equally true or equally untrue. We can’t always prevent the stories we tell when we’re reacting to something that’s happening around us. This communication technique isn’t about not telling the story at all in the first place but about how we master that story once it’s told. To help you master the stories that you tell throughout the course of your interactions with other people, try asking these four powerful questions:
- Did you tell yourself a story without facts or with perceptions?
- What meaning are you adding to the action you observed?
- Why would a reasonable, rational person say or do this?
- What’s your role in the conflict?
The first two are usually pretty easy to integrate. Before you react to something, make sure you’ve examined the info leading to your reaction. Do you really have all the facts? Do you KNOW for certain that your story is correct? Also, are you adding any meaning to the action you observed? Think of the last time you read an email or a text that rubbed you the wrong way. Was the person really intending you to “hear” it that way, or are you adding a tone to it as you read it?
The third and fourth questions, however, get a bit more challenging. Whenever I encourage clients to consider why a reasonable, rational person might say or do something, their inner thoughts appear pretty quickly on their face, “Nicole, they’re not reasonable or rational.” But here’s the kicker: they’re probably thinking the same thing about you! When people are engaging in communication to truly connect, they’re not coming from places they perceive as irrational or unreasonable. I’m not saying you need to agree with them or suddenly endorse their point of view, but if you can step into a place where you consider how they might be coming from a place that makes perfect sense to them, it will help you figure out how better to respond.
The last question is definitely one of those “says easy, does hard” kind of questions. I find that every time I ask this question and answer it honestly, I have way more to do with the conflict than I initially wanted to admit. Everything from what I’ve said or done, what I’ve NOT said or NOT done, to the look that’s on my face or conspicuously absent from my face (anyone else get “Resting Nicole Face?”) – it all matters. A little bit of self-reflection here goes a long way.
The more aware you become of your own stories, the better you will get at communicating. With intent, purpose, and self-reflection, you can shift your communication interactions for the better. Master those stories, don’t let them master you!
